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I just have children, I’m not on house arrest…

So when you have six kids your friends will assume that you’re never allowed out of the house by yourself.  I get it, parents of just two children will magically lose their ability to have a social life.  I mean between work and kids your very essence is sucked dry.  Who can think of going out for a drink with your girlfriends when there is a new funny math to learn at their school, and you have to do the latest hair braid in their hair and someone decided feeding your kids processed frozen dinners was a crime. Well that might be a deterent to most mothers, but not to me…

So this is to put all of MY girlfriends and guy friends on notice.  Nechelle has license will drive to party.  I also have passport and will travel.  Don’t count me out just because it looks like no human being could find enough time in a 24 hour period to care for 6 kids, a husband and their mother.  The secret is I keep them alive and that’s enough…So call me, I want to go out TOO!

 

 

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Santa Claus gets second-place billing in our house…

Christmas time is my favorite time of the year.  I love the holiday cheer, the decorations, the anticipation of what will appear under the tree.  It’s a magical time.  But maybe since I knew by age 5 that Santa Claus wasn’t real, he just doesn’t get to headline in our house.  We work too hard to give that guy all of the credit.  We leave cookies and milk out the night before (I eat the cookies, don’t like milk) and our Elf on the Shelf which is another bane of my existence (see why here) hangs around for weeks before.  But on Christmas morning, the kids know anything in their stockings is from Santa Claus and anything under the tree (a live one of course) is from Mommy, Daddy and Gma.  And if a high price highly saught after item happens to be small enough to fit into a stocking, be assured it gets put under the tree.  I’m just sayin…

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A second wife…

Admittantly we are down one adult.  Just one more adult to add to our regime would make things so much easier.  So rather than paying for a nanny, I’ve suggested we get another wife. No it’s not a religious decision it’s just a practical one.  I mean think about it, who would want another husband?!? Need I go into detail here.  But another wife? Now that’s worth something.  She can help cook (because I only like to eat, not cook), she can help with the cleaning (while my Mom and Tony do most of this and well, I’m still stuck ironing and putting away my own laundry and cleaning my bathroom sink), she can run around the kids to buy glue for their school project, to a doctor’s appointment to the 3rd birthday of the weekend.

And I know what you’re thinking.  What everyone is thinking in marriages with more than one wife.  What happens in the bedroom?  Well……Girl, please, we are not going to be altnerating nights.  I’m not going to be sharing.  But I sure could use a pinch hitter.  I’ll send her up to bat when I don’t feel like playing.  When I’m too tired, too sick or when Karen Marie Moning releases her latest installation in the Fever series and I need to go on a three day reading binge.  Yes, that’s when wife #2 can step in.  Now that’s what I call team work!

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Keeping them off the pole…

When you have four girls your main job in this society is keep them off the pole.  Oh no, I’m not talking about the flagpole, the totem pole or even the tadpole. I’m talking about the stripper pole.

Yes, somewhere along the way after T-Pain was in Love with A Stripper…

The stripper status has been elevated.

 

 

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He didn’t marry me for my domestic prowess…

Vince Vaughn in The Break Up and I are soul mates.  I don’t have a strong desire to do the dishes and never will.

Tony didn’t marry me for my domestic prowess that’s for sure.  We’ve debated for the past twenty years as to whether paying someone to clean your house is lazy or good allocation of resources. Easy guess as to where I side.

 

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Hiding in the closet…

As a hyrid of the stay-at-home-mom and the working mom, since I work from home like many mommies do.  I also have the challenges of making that work.  Trying to maintain an appearance of profesionalism I’ve foound myself taking extraordinary measures.

See when you can even pee by yourself, making a phone call is a feat up there with climbing Mount Everest. I can assure you that every human need a little person can have will all reach urgent status the second they see you’re on the phone.

The evil looks that turn into pleading eyes never work. And so you’ll often find me in a closet.  Yes, hiding in the closet is the only option you have to making an uninterrupted phone call.  The hope is that the last place they’ll look for you is in a closed door closet.  Since wearing coats is optional even in sub zero degree weather, it’s also unlikley that they may happen upon you by accident or even think to put that on their track down list.

Now in addition to hiding in the closet, you’ll also take the hard covering the mouthpiece and loudly whispering in fear that they might pass by the closet and hear you.  Oh get an office you say, have you ever tried making a call when there are little hands and feet ramming into the door and the shrill of little voices screaming “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy”  Oh and the teenagers at least won’t kick the door but their knocking is worse.  So if you need me I’ll be hiding in the closet…

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Straight Out Of Homeschool

Last year all school age children in our house were homeschooled. We simply ran out of acceptable educational options where we lived.  The choice to start homeschooling wasn’t easy.  I held the same stereotypes as you do, “Uh, those moms are all granola and a bit out there!” But the opportunity for a personalized education outweighed who I thought we’d find on the other end of homeschooling.

Funny that world wasn’t anytihng like I thought.  How I loved not having homework to do after a long day or rushing to meet the school bus.  This year, three of the six kids decided to try out the new STEM (Science Technolody Engineering Math) school that opened in our community.  The kids can choose to go to a traditional school or be homeschooled.  But Straight out of Homeschool has proved a bit more than they bargained for.  Now just two months into the school year and all three of them want to come back home to be homeschooled.

You know the grass is always greener on the other side until you get there.